In these moments, it is often hard for the birthing person to reach out for support. While many societies thrive on the saying “it takes a village,” Western society often requires the birthing parent to suffer in silence while also raising a brand new baby. Individualism makes it nearly impossible to seek help and makes offering emotional support rather complex. Many family members and friends are usually at a loss for what to say to help a birthing person.

Words have power and a lasting impact. Even though many of us have the best of intentions, there are some common phrases that are often said to someone after they have had a negative birthing experience or a traumatic birthing experience that are unhelpful. Continue reading to find out what those phrases are and what you should consider replacing these phrases with.

1- “At least you have a healthy baby.”

This is, of course, the ultimate goal - having a healthy baby. However, this shouldn’t make us forget about the health of the birthing parent. Research shows that when the birthing parent is both physically and mentally healthy, the baby is more likely to thrive and develop secure attachment. Instead of saying this phrase, try something like “I’m so glad you and the baby are okay and are here,” whenever a birth story, especially one that had unplanned or traumatic events, is shared with you.

2- “At least you can breastfeed/chestfeed.”

The goal of many birthing parents is to be able to breastfeed/chestfeed. However breastfeeding/chestfeeding can be isolating for the birthing parent and lack of supply, support, and sleep can add to the stress of breastfeeding/chestfeeding. Instead of saying this, try asking “Is there anything you need from me,” or “What do you need right now to feel supported?” With practical offers of support, you might help this new parent feel less alone on this journey.

3- “Don’t dwell on what happened and just focus on the baby.”

Just because a person becomes a parent doesn’t mean they should automatically forget or bury their birth experience. Every experience deserves time and space to be processed. Birth is no different. Instead of telling them not to dwell on their birth, offer a listening ear and a safe space for them to share their experience.

4- “Other moms/parents have been through worse.”

It’s unfair to measure people’s trauma experiences or force them to compete in a form of trauma Olympics. All experiences are valid and deserve to be honored. No one should be made to feel ashamed or weak because of how their birth has affected them. Instead of making comparisons, find empathy for the person who is vulnerable in front of you. Offer them comfort through your kind actions and words during this time of healing.

Other things that are extremely helpful and practical to new parents, and especially to those who are healing from traumatic birth events are:

1- Offer to drop off food, pay for a food delivery service, or set up a meal train. It’s hard to balance making a meal and taking care of oneself and a newborn.

2- Respect Boundaries! If the parents do not want in-person visits, do not want people holding the baby, or have vaccine requirements, respect, and yield to these boundaries.

3- Offer to meet any other needs they might have, like getting laundry done, cleaning their home, taking care of pets, etc. Anticipate what their needs might be and offer to close the gap.

When in doubt, ask the birthing person, “What do you need right now?”

When in doubt, check-in and be the village they need!